7 Ways English Professors are Fascists

We’ve all had that that Professor. The old washed out loser that majored in English before taking their failures out on the young impressionable kids that are forced to take their classes in vindictive fashion. Then we are forced to bite our tongues because we need this stupid class to graduate.

Look I get it. My English Isn’t perfect, and probably never will be. The rules of the language are so difficult to grasp even the PHD professors instructing us can’t agree on them. Maybe I still stare for ten minutes contemplating whether to use a comma or semicolon. I might even use the wrong “there” when not paying attention. Does that mean it should be held against me? Even now a pretentious twat is scanning through my words like a puzzle trying to find the grammatical error no sane human being with a life could have noticed.

Yet we don’t all get the privilege of writing on our own blog, with our own rules. Some of us… Go to college. In order to graduate with that fancy Chemistry, Engineering, Or Economics degree we have to suffer our way through the deplorable conditions we’ll encounter in what’s known as English class. Now I won’t knock the value of English. It’s very important not to look like a dumb ass when writing your thesis for your field; and having readable sentence structure and properly spelled words is a must. However the average English professor takes this much further to an almost obsesive direction.

Don’t Title Your sections

I’m titling all of my sections because my current English Lit Professor Scolded me for doing so… On an APA paper.. Don’t ask me why this is a problem.

Don’t write in the First/Second Person

Why is this even a problem? Isn’t english supposed to be about developing an individual writing style? Maybe I like to write in the first person, ranting away like talking to a brick wall. Maybe asking the audience a rhetorical question is my way of getting a point across. Maybe I don’t like writing like a robot without putting my feelings into my words. Who was it that made a universal rule as to what I can and can’t put in my essays?

Stupid Standards

Single spacing or double spacing? One space after period or two? What are my margins supposed to be? Times New Roman? Why does this even matter?

Expecting you to be Creative

I’m a right wing, right handed, left Brained individual. I don’t have time or patience to write creatively about topics that I don’t even care about. Sure my report on how cheese is made is boring. It’s F***ing cheese. But it doesn’t help when you are strangling every last bit of creativity out of me by forcing me to write like YOU!

DON’T USE FILLER WORDS

Apparently using words like “Very, Much, Really, Greatly, ect.” in order to emphasize a point is bad because it’s an unneeded filler word. Who said? Isn’t this my essay? Maybe I thought the word was needed to show that I don’t just hate something, but that I really hate something. Or hey, Maybe I just thought it made the sentence prettier. It is somewhat hypocritical to expect me to cut out the filler words while at the same time forcing me to use entire filler sentences and filler paragraphs in order meet your stupid word requirements. Which brings me to my next point.

Unrealistic Expectations

What? you want me to write a 2000 word essay about my favorite food? I can’t even write a 10 word essay about my favorite food. Why do we even need a word requirement? To me this is a horrible writing practice. If I read a 600 word essay that can be summarized in two sentences you just wrote a 2 sentence essay. Maybe I should be grading you.

Not Understanding that Language Evolves

I know you hate slang. Believe me I hate slang too. But that doesn’t mean that we can just pretend it isn’t a valid form of communication. Language is only a means of individuals communicating with each other. English spoken or in writing is just a system of rules for communication. But Definitions and uses change. It’s just a fact of life. I know it irritates you when people use the word Literally in place of figuratively. But people understand it none the less, thus It’s a valid form of communication. Not to mention “My Teacher is a Figurative Fruitcake” doesn’t quite have the same ring.

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